Just when we thought we could all breathe again after hearing about the blissful reunion of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, it seems that all of our dreams have been dashed once more.
Kristen Stewart is reportedly crushing the dreams of horny pre-teens and housewives everywhere by telling people that grinding on Robert Pattinson is about as pleasant as grinding on a dead fish. Please, say it isn’t so!
According to Perez Hilton, a source has this this to say about the sacred Twilight twosome, “”Rob couldn’t believe that Kristen was telling everyone that he’s bad in bed. Not only did she cheat on him, she humiliated him. Now that he’s heard about the rumors she’s been spreading, there’s no chance [of permanent reconciliation].” That Kristen always has to be such a buzzkill, am I right?
This news comes right on the heels of reports that Rob and Kristen have reignited their dull love flame, and have even moved back in together. What are we to believe?! Why must the media toy with my emotions like this?
Anyway, Rob’s piss poor horizontal macarena skills are reportedly what drove Kristen into the arms of Rupert Saunders. Really, though, there’s no need to believe this nonsense. The problem here is that because Kristen is about as interesting and intelligent as a piece of wet cardboard, and Rob thought he could pull one over on her by leaving one of his cardboard cutouts on his side of the bed, in his place. This way he could casually slip out to do other important things like not wash his hair and kick himself in the face repeatedly for getting involved in this mess of a franchise.
So, really, Kristen has been humping on a piece of cardboard Pattinson this entire time. And because everybody knows that scissoring (you know she’s a secret scissor kicker) a piece of cardboard is about as pleasant aswatching Kristen Stewart grace a red carpet, she mistakenly thought that actual Robert Pattinson was bad in bed.
Case. Closed.